But 2012? I’m not sure if it’s going to be good or bad, but it at least should be interesting. Presidential elections here in the U.S., Olympics over in London, a Mayan-not-really-predicted-they-just-ran-out-of-numbers apocalypse — all should provide at least a few moments that rise above “meh.”

I make no resolutions — being of the school that if you only resolve to become better than you are once a year, you’re doing it wrong — but I do have certain hopes and aspirations for the year that I’d like to share:

• Obviously I’d like a year that ends with no new wars and hopefully a few less. As one of my personal heroes Issac Asimov wrote “violence is the last refuge of the incompetent,” and if after thousands of years of civilization we can’t find a better way to resolve our differences, well then what the hell are we doing?
• I’d like 2012 to be the year when President Obama finds wherever he’s lost his balls and learns how to say “no” to both the Republicans and the Democrats on the Hill occasionally. My trust in Obama is not as bright and shiny as it was at the beginning of his administration, but I still believe of all those running, I feel safest with the country in his hands. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement. Hopefully “Candidate Obama” shows up and sticks around through his second term.
• I’d like to see fewer movements (whether Tea Party or Occupy Wall Street) and more regular people getting off their butts and becoming educated and involved about their own government. Think of it this way — presidential elections are the “gateway drug” to civic responsibility and involvement. I really don’t want to hear one more person complain about 1) the government 2) taxes or 3) politicians if they’re not going to bother to read up on the issues (and yes, reading MUST be involved – watching things on TV or the Internet doesn’t count) and vote in every single election they can. Here in Virginia that’s every year — I wish more states were like that. Helps keep folks in the habit of giving a damn (which in my experience is indeed a habit that can be fallen out of just as easily into). Oh, and no more talking about term limits — that’s just lazy. It’s like saying “I don’t want to vote and the system is broken, so let’s get rid of everyone because I can’t be bothered.”
• I’d like 2012 to be the year that “entertainment news” and “entertainment journalism” become obsolete terms. I don’t care which actor is schtupping which actress (or other actor). I don’t care which actress or actor is on drugs, in recovery, or “reportedly out of control.” I don’t care about their diets, their fitness “secrets,” or their deep and abiding concern over [insert issue here]. NONE of this is news, none of this is important, and no 1/2 hour show, let alone entire channel should be devoted to covering what artists do WHEN THEY AREN’T EVEN CREATING ART. Oh, and if you still read People magazine, the National Enquirer or go to Perez Hilton more than just accidentally, well no disrespect, but I hate you. If you want to find out about what movie might be made or have some interest in the business of entertainment, well there is Variety and similar coverage and that’s fine, but I’d truly love if all the rest disappeared.
• Can we all agree that now being well into the second decade of this millennium, some things should stop being an issue? I mean, let’s be a mature society and agree on some stuff, e.g.
  • The Earth is much, much older than 6,000 years, we all evolved from less complex lifeforms, and like stars, black holes, galaxies, and all the rest of it, we weren’t created by anything other than stupendous chance and a universe that was cool enough to come up with both us AND digital watches.
  • Science is the single most useful intellectual tool the human race has come up with, and is by definition, the only way we as a society and a planet can move forward. I think we gave all the religions enough of a shot at it, and to be frank, their record is pretty awful.
  • Being gay or straight doesn’t matter. Male, female, or transgender doesn’t matter. That’s it — pretty much all there is to say about it.
  • All those illegal aliens in the U.S.? Yeah, we can’t ship them all home — not only would it be morally wrong in some instances, but it’s just a physical and logistical impossibility. So please quit using the debate on illegal immigration to further your own bigotry about *legal* immigration. If we can’t, with a straight face, tell the rest of the world “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” — well then we should probably not have bothered creating this country in the first place.
  • Flying cars,jet packs, portal guns and teleporters. I want them all, and I want them this year.
  • In the end, it doesn’t matter what the size of our government’s debt is or how much millionaires get taxed. What matters is that we quit squabbling like a pack of hyenas over a corpse and start accepting the fact that as Americans (or even just citizens of the world) we have certain inalienable rights and certain unavoidable obligations to ourselves, our neighbors, the planet and future generations.

And really, that’s it. Honestly if any single item on that list came to pass, I’d be pretty damn happy. To all of you who read my sporadic and seemingly randomly posted blog entries or my eclectic and chatty Twitter stream, I say thank you and I wish your own wishes and aspirations come true this next year. Especially if any of you are really set on me winning the lottery or getting a nice big fat contract to write some books.

While 2012 is being bandied about by select kooks as the end of the world, it — like every year — is the beginning of a brand new world, and hopefully it is one of our own careful and thoughtful making.

I’d like to end this with a special thank you to all of you who made this year quite spectacular for me personally. That would include my wife Kathy (who has managed to put up with me for 18 years), my kids, and the most amazing friends anyone could ever hope to have: Kylee, Jess, and Ruth. I love you all.

1. Well, you could order some soap, but hopefully you already have some, because it is literally the best, most incredible stuff ever made. No, that’s not hyperbole, just the straightforward truth. Even better, don’t order any right now (unless you really need some), as she is spending her birthday making soap for everyone already. But after the holidays, put in an order. The geeky soaps are fun, but really, you’re doing yourself a disservice if you haven’t tried any of her all natural, organic soaps or her shaving soaps or shampoo. I used to buy as many unscented products as I could find before I started buying her stuff as commercially made soap scents were just awful. Now I not only get soap that’s good for me, but often times it smells good enough to eat. But as Kylee always warns — DON’T EAT THE SOAP!

2. Watch some Star Trek. Even better, spend several hours figuring out how to convert where you live into a replica of the Enterprise. You get extra bonus points if you do the planning while watching Star Trek: TOS on a used projector you picked up on the cheap. Extra bonus points if you figure out how to install some Jeffries tubes. Extra, extra bonus points if you know why they are called Jeffries tubes. Extra, extra, extra bonus points if somehow watching on VHS or watching Star Trek: The Motion Picture on LaserDisc. Creating a holodeck is optional, as is creating a working transporter. If you get the transporter working, please let either Kylee or myself know — we need it to ensure a constant flow of cookies.

3. Don’t get a tattoo. Yes, Kylee has tons of very beautiful tattoos and each has a story behind it. You should only get a tattoo if you have a story to tell. However, today would be a great day to think about what kind of tattoo you’d like to get — as long as you’re comfortable knowing that it won’t be as cool as hers. Getting a tattoo of her would be sort of cool, but also creepy, so probably best to avoid.

4. Put together your zombie/killer robot apocalypse survival kit and go through some practice drills.  Kylee knows something like this is coming and she’s ready, so we should all be ready too — there will be a lot of downsides to such an event, but the fact Kylee will undoubtedly still be around and making soap makes it seem like a slightly less horrible catastrophe.

5. If you are William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, or Michael Dorn, give Kylee a call and wish her a happy birthday. Really, it’s the least you could do.

6. Don’t talk about Fight Club.

7. Live your life today remembering that all ideas are bullet-proof. Extra bonus points if you remember this tomorrow and every day after.

8. Create something. Doesn’t even really matter what. Just engage in the act of creation. I don’t believe there is a single more defining characteristic to Kylee than her need to create. Whether it’s making soap, creating custom stamps with her husband Rory, or using salvaged library catalog cards, she takes the ordinary and makes it extraordinary. We should all try to do the same – the world would be a better place.

9. Spend time with your loved ones. This may seem rather general, but honestly, Kylee derives more joy out of being around those she loves than anyone I’ve ever met. All the hard work and everything she does begins and ends with her family.

10. Eat some frosting, drink some wine…in other words engage in some harmless hedonism. Everything in moderation — even (and maybe especially) moderation. And ENJOY it. That’s the key. Take whatever is in front of you and really, truly enjoy it. I can’t think of anything more Kylee than that.

Extra bonus points: Buy a mansion

Or if you prefer, simply wish her a happy birthday . . . but with all these other options, that just seems kind of lame.

Extra, Extra bonus points: Write nice things about her and make her blush and giggle (which is absolutely priceless to see in person!)

Oh, and a warning — you lose points and possibly forfeit if you 1) sing her Happy Birthday 2) tell her she can’t do something 3) violate Wheaton’s Rule

I guess some people take unfollows fairly personally. I even admit I have on occasion. But it truly isn’t the end of the world and it can happen for a number of reasons. Here are my usual triggers:

1. Spam. I try very hard not to follow anything vaguely spam-ish to begin with, but I’ve seen some seemingly reasonable accounts suddenly become very annoying. That said, I’ve received a few spam DMs from people who let their accounts get compromised and I almost never unfollow them unless it happens repeatedly. Also, depending on how much I value your other tweets, I generally don’t unfollow if you throw in the occasional #ad tweet.

2. You unfollow me. Let’s face it – reciprocity is a beautiful thing. I follow very few accounts that don’t follow me back. In general, if you’re not going to listen to me, I don’t see why I should listen to you.

3. You *repeatedly* say something offensive/hurtful. Everyone can inadvertently throw a sharp elbowed tweet some times (fingers being sometimes faster than brains), so it’s not like I have a zero-tolerance policy or anything, but if you repeatedly troll then I don’t have time. Surprisingly, with as decidedly partisan as I am, that does not mean I unfollow if you disagree with me on politics or specific issues. Some of my best Twitter convos are with people I strongly disagree with.

4. Finally, I guess you could say immaturity. I almost said "negativity" but that doesn’t really cover it. If you’re emotionally incontinent, express yourself only in the extremes (i.e. everything is either "LOVE" or "HATE"), you engage in constant caps lock orgy, or are set off on a tirade by things not even addressed to you, chances are I will unfollow sooner or later. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy an occasional rant (I actually enjoy those very much), but when the tone of the aggregate of your tweets suggests someone with less emotional maturity than my 3-year old daughter, I have to throw in the towel. Honestly, I don’t know how some people keep track of all these lines they draw in the sand of the Internet.

So there you have it. My main reasons for unfollowing (there are other reasons, but not statistically significant enough to detail). If I have unfollowed you, I hope you don’t take it personally — unfollowing is usually an attempt on my part to disengage *before* I say something that could make someone feel bad. While it would be lovely if everyone were best friends, that is not realistic. The best we can do is to try and make accommodation for each other, keep your mind open, and failing that, try and behave politely to one another. I’m reminded of something called Postel’s Law (http://bit.ly/sExOTE) "be conservative in what you send, liberal in what you accept" — this is what I try and do on Twitter (and in my life in general), but I suspect if Mr. Postel were on Twitter he’d probably have to unfollow some folks too — it tends to breakdown if you’re dealing with people who do the opposite.

Ask me anything

MR. GREGORY:  As you well know, you have a lot of support among young people.

REP. PAUL:  That’s right.

MR. GREGORY:  They’re borrowing to pay for college at record levels.  Would you abolish all federal student aid?

REP. PAUL:  Eventually.  But my program doesn’t do it.  There’s a transition in this.  But…

MR. GREGORY:  But that’s your ultimate aim.

REP. PAUL:  Yes, because there’s no authority to do this.

So, he can claim all he wants that he wouldn’t do away with federal student loans, but that’s obviously his goal.

1. Read some Lovecraft! Seriously, you really should have done this already, so we’re letting you off easy with this one. And as Ruth is always one step ahead of the rest of us, she’s already provided the easiest way to do it — just download from here and start reading already!

2. Begin to worship her as a deity. While this may actually make her feel momentarily uncomfortable, it will also provide the foundation for her to be included in a novel that Neil Gaiman should write (along the lines of American Gods and Anansi Boys) and she’d enjoy that.  She’d enjoy it even more if Amanda Palmer released a companion album to go along with the book.

3. What to do if you’re already worshiping Ruth as a deity? Well, than you need to have a high priestess to ensure the rituals are kept and practiced correctly and that the offerings and sacrifices are performed. But you don’t want just anyone off the street — this is an important job! Personally, my wife and I decided it was best to procreate and have our daughter be our High Priestess of Ruth. The young high priestess is well along in her training and already firmly believes that Ruth makes all sorts of things, like clouds.

My daughter and her Cthluhu (named "Clue")

4. Observe her birthday in a much appreciated way – do not write or mention the word “zombie.” Seriously. In fact, best to never mention that word around her — ever. (Her reaction is priceless as I unintentionally discovered, but you’ll feel bad if you do — so don’t!)

5. If you are of a persuasion to appreciate it, spend a few minutes in quiet meditation and contemplation over this: bit.ly/dropthetowel

6. If you are an overlapping or different persuasion, do the same as #5 but with this picture.

7. Take all of the plush figures, toys, etc. you have in your house and burn them/throw them away, lest they ever come into contact with Ruth’s hands and give her the heebie-jeebies.

8. Support a library. As homes of esoteric and arcane knowledge, this is just a good idea to begin with, but since Ruth is a librarian-in-training, libraries also serve as a place of worship of all things Ruth.

9. Enjoy and share whatever you’re geeky about. Above all else, this sums Ruth up as well as anything, and whether it’s crocheting, Battlestar Galactica, Cthulhu or some lesser amusement, half the fun should be in sharing it with others.

10. Use at least a dozen of these words in tweets, emails, daily speech, etc. to mark the occasion

Extra bonus points: Plan a trip to Innsmouth

Or if you prefer, simply wish her a happy birthday . . . but with all these other options, that just seems kind of lame.

Extra, Extra bonus points: Write a silly blog post about her birthday.

I WIN!

* hyphens
* food (ingredients & preparation)
* Written & spoken language
* politics
* clothes (not fashion per se, just more simple = better)
* technology
* Efficient & elegant solutions

. . . so basically everything I’m geeky about

Ask me anything

Ask me anything

For me, the problems with what California (and other states) is doing were hammered home on my drive into work this morning and listening to this story on NPR’s Morning Edition. Take, for example, this quote from the piece:

California needs money and state officials say the new sales tax could bring in two to three hundred million dollars a year. Amazon wouldn’t be paying more in taxes, just collecting the sales tax on customer purchases and passing it on to the state just like brick-and-mortar retailers do now.

You’ll hear that refrain from the bricks-and-mortar retail folks all the time. In fact, Bill Dombrowski, the head of the California Retailers Association had this to add:

In California, that meant [Internet retailers] had a 10-percent, roughly,  price advantage every day of the year, and shoppers were turning our stores into showrooms and then going out and shopping on the Internet.

This is presented as an issue of fairness and how they’re not really picking on Amazon because Amazon wouldn’t be paying the taxes, just their customers.

BULLSHIT

This is simply those with a failed business model teaming up with desperate policy makers to with one hand stifle online retails sales while with the other hand filling state coffers with money that is not the state’s due. Hold on some will say — why doesn’t California or any other state deserve their slice of that sweet, sweet revenue? The answer is obvious – the states DO NOT support the infrastructure that allows those transactions to take place.

At their best, taxes are simply a method for any government to recover costs associated with supplying the benefits of government and infrastructure in a way that hopefully distributes the costs fairly.  You want roads? Fine, but they need to be paid for, and that means taxes. You want a water processing plant so your water is clean? Fine, but there will be taxes to pay for it. And so on. Are all taxes reasonable or fairly applied – hell, no. But that is the idea behind them, and there is a recourse if you’re, say, a California businessman who doesn’t like having to collect a state tax. You can work to vote out the people who put the tax in place and find someone else who agrees with you or even run yourself. What recourse do I have in Virginia, or someone in Washington, or Illinois for taxes collected in California? None. You know, I believe that’s called taxation without representation. Generally not regarded as a good idea since about 1776.

So let’s take your bricks-and-mortar retailer. The local, state, and federal governments provide law and order, police and fire departments, regulation of utilities, schools, roads, etc. All of which the retailer benefits from when there are people around who can easily and safely shop at their store and have the money to do so. And that’s why he pays his taxes. Not because the government is due some tithe like a church – no, governments collect taxes to pay for all the stuff we ask them to do.

Now, look at an online retailer. Do they need roads? They might if they’re producing goods that need to be shipped, but if they’re selling ebooks, well then, not so much. What about all those other government services? Again, they’re either not applicable or the retailer pays for them through local, state, of federal taxes wherever they actually have offices. The only absolute-must-have thing for most online retailers is the Internet, and the states pay absolutely nothing for the maintenance and operation of that.

So what does Amazon “owe” the fine state of California or any other individual state? Not a whole hell of a lot.

As for the bricks-and-mortar retailer who feel this is so unfair? I guess they should have listened to that kid that told them 15 years ago that selling stuff online would some day be huge. I mean I do feel for them – they provide jobs, locally accessible tax revenue, etc. And some people like buying stuff in person from someone they know. Great! Brick-and-mortar shops that have great service and products will continue making money because the people who like to shop in person are willing to pay a little extra for that. But if your business model is so focused on price that the difference between having to charge tax and not is putting you in the red, chances are it’s your business model that has failed, not the government in collecting taxes.

Going back to the point above about states paying nothing for the maintenance and operation of the Internet — so who does pay? Well, the federal government created it and do provide national regulation of a sort across it, so perhaps they’re due something. But the infrastructure that provides us the Internet is already been bought and paid for — by us. First, obviously through federal taxes to fund things like DARPA and the creation of the Internet. But that’s really just a pittance and has almost no bearing on the Internet today. No, the existence and continued maintenance of the Internet is provided by telecommunications companies that own the lines, the networking equipment and the servers and they in turn charge people and business for services. No government “runs” the Internet – so unlike those non-Internet superhighways, state governments really can’t make a case they’re doing anything else but reaching into people’s wallets and grabbing a few bills because they feel like it they really need it.

Now, as a commie-pinko liberal, I like taxes as much as anybody else — okay, not really, but as I stated above, when done right, they are justified. A minimal Federal tax on Internet purchases is within the realm of reason I believe. Something small like 1- or 2-percent tax. It could go to pay for Federal oversight of the Internet infrastructure within the U.S. and the companies that own it, as well as initiatives to pay for research into faster bandwidth and carrying broadband to rural and poor areas. I believe a case can be made that without federal oversight, online retailers would find the Internet a much more hostile place to do business, so the tax would be justified I believe. And if there is any leftover money, add it into federal transportation expenditures so that all those highways that trucks drive on to deliver us our online-purchased goods are kept well-maintained.

That’s a reasonable discussion to have. How much, what exemptions might be needed, etc. There are details that will need to be worked out, but it should be worked out at the national level, since that really is the only place all of us have the representation to have our voice heard. And as it is largely an issue of interstate commerce, the Fed’s role is well precedented.

However, for anyone to claim that companies like Amazon are engaging in “blackmail” when they, as Amazon did, cutoff relationships with affiliates or close offices as a result of state-based sales taxes being enacted is idiotic. It’s like a mugger getting miffed that you don’t come around anymore after having mugged you repeatedly in the same neighborhood. Even worse, a patchwork quilt of state-by-state online sales taxes would have to be just about the most inefficient collection of revenue ever conceived. Also, since some states will see the advantage of NOT taxing online sales, what will happen will be online companies only having headquarters and doing business in those states.

And I’m sorry California, but your Internet sales tax is ill-conceived, counter-productive, and in my opinion probably not legal. I know you all have already cut to the budget bone in some cases, but if you hadn’t tied up so much of your budget into nondiscretionary spending through voter referendums and not also voted in the tax hikes to pay for them, you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. Maybe institute some taxes on bad movies, raise taxes on untalented celebrities, or look for other creative revenue streams? Hell, just tax your ex-Gov. Arnold every time he says or does something stupid — that should help.

I’ll start off with an anecdote that sums it up in a nutshell. Four years after my own wedding, my sister was getting married and my far-flung relatives came to attend. One of them was my dad’s oldest sister Yvonne (usually just “Aunt Y” to all of us). She was 13 years older than my dad, and as with most of us in the Byrne family, she tended to speak her mind but loved us all very much. So while she was in town, my wife Katherine and I volunteered to take her around town and ended up going to Great Falls Park outside DC. There we walked and talked for a bit, and at one point talking about weddings, family, and my own marriage, my aunt turned to me and said “Jason, I’m glad you found Kathy. Marriage has been good for you — you’re not such a little shit anymore.” I would have been insulted I guess, except for the fact that I immediately knew it to be true. I wasn’t such a little shit anymore. What Aunt Y really meant was “Jason, being married to Kathy has given you confidence and made you happy,” because frankly being unhappy and not confident generally translates as “being a little shit.”

On the road to not being such a little shit . . .

Which brings me to the first thing I learned:

If you’re going to get married, make sure it’s to someone who helps you become the person you want to be.

Notice I did not say “makes you the person you want to be” or “helps you become a better person.” Those are quite different and/or open to interpretation. I also purposely didn’t say “going to be in a relationship” — marriage is different, often times because it isn’t until we’ve dated other people that we have any idea who the hell we even are or what we want. But “marriage” in this case is just shorthand for “long-term committed relationship between two adults,” which is all it really ever is, despite what meaning people keep trying to ascribe to it. Before I met my wife, I tended to date women of a certain personality type – you might call it “impassioned”, many of my friends called it “crunchy-granola eco-fem-nazis from hell,” but what it came down to was I kept picking women who were passionate about many of the same issues I was. We had great discussions and even greater arguments and I was miserable most of the time. And then I met Kathy and in addition to a number of other things, she was a passionate advocate for me, and suddenly I was happy.

The key here is that I believe the best marriages are based on not only the sum being greater than the individual parts, but that each partner in the relationship allows opportunities and offers support to the other in terms of becoming the kind of person they want to be. Luckily I had good role models with my own parents. Neither of them would have accomplished all that they have without the support of the other. Which brings me to the next item…

It’s a cliché because it’s true: there’s no more important aspect of being in a relationship with someone than communication

This one I think is not only true for marriages and relationships with significant others, it’s true for every relationship we have as adults, including with our children. When you’re growing up, you learn to take different types of communication for granted. You interact with your parents and authority figures one way, peers another, etc. And then you go out into the great wide world and discover that those types of communication don’t work anymore — either because you or the other person learned bad habits growing up or neither one of you has adapted to the fact that part of getting to know anyone is discovering how to communicate with them. [Note - "communicate" does NOT mean "talk" -- communication implies listening as much as talking, and being in tune with each other's verbal AND nonverbal cues]

Growing up as an introvert with social anxiety, I was not a natural communicator. Growing up as the youngest in a family of over-achieving Type A personalities, I also did not communicate well with my close friends and family about what I was thinking or feeling. That’s a lot of bottling up to deal with. As I came to adulthood, I tended to communicate too much, too fast in my romantic relationships and without having bothered to learn they liked to communicate. The result? Clingy, needy Jason who then got hurt when things tended to go off the rails and didn’t understand why. The first three years my wife and I were together were wonderful, but it also tested each of us as we came to accommodate how each other communicated (especially during arguments!). At the end of that, not only did we have a stronger relationship, we had each undergone significant personal growth (which as distastefully new age-y as that sounds, really is the best term for it.)

Don’t forget the kids

This was the moment I realized I *was* a dad . . . (the day Thing1 was born - that's my finger)

We ended up not having kids until almost 8 years into our marriage for a number of reasons, and that had both pros and cons, but the biggest bonus was the foundation it provided once we did have children. If you think communicating with a significant other is tough, try throwing in keeping that going while dealing with parental roles, finances, logistics of a busy calendar out of your control, and learning to communicate with your own kids. And if you don’t think you have to learn how to communicate with your own kids, you’re crazy.

Looking back on it now, it becomes pretty evident that at least part of human’s extended childhood (in relation to other mammals) is at least partly due to not only them needing to learn, but the parents needing to as well. It starts off pretty simply – sleeping, eating, and diapers are the basis for all initial communication. Then once the “Terrible Twos” hit (usually it seems actually at about the 18 month mark) you get a communication crisis — and the cause of the so-called Terrible Twos. They’ve been soaking up an incredible amount of information on EVERYTHING and suddenly lightning strikes and they want to start communicating and by extension taking some measure of control of their environment. The cosmic joke is on all of us though, as they usually can’t even speak worth a damn at that point. So you have this widely exploding intelligence trapped behind poor muscle control and a lack of syntax — and thus the tantrums…and really, who can blame then? If no one listened to you and you couldn’t express yourself, you’d be throwing tantrums as well (you know, like Sarah Palin).

So what I learned early on is even when your kids are newborns, talk to them like they’re more than just a cute blob – talk to them like they are human beings — not only is that just a good habit to get into, but you’ll actually be teaching them how to communicate. As some of you who have met my kids can attest to – they can talk in a manner well beyond their calendar years.

Now my oldest is nine and my youngest is almost three, so I don’t have any pearls of wisdom to offer on teenagers – and at that point, you’ve either taught them well or you haven’t, so there may be no special trick to offer. The only salient advice I have — and this applies to any child — is don’t talk down to them. Simplify only as absolutely needed to make yourself understood. If you talk to your kids like their idiots, all you get are idiot kids.

With great power, there must also come great responsibility…

Early pic of Things 1 & 2

While this one sounds like strictly a parenting tip, but it applies to relationships with spouses/significant others as well. For kids, it’s pretty straight forward. You are the parent first. That doesn’t preclude the idea of being their friend to, but that can never come before being their parent. Many of the baby boomer generation were all about having a different kind of relationship with their children than their parents had with them, which is fine in theory, but too often resulted in parents giving up the mantle of authority in favor of warm fuzzies. Now as a rampant liberal, why am I in favor of being an “authoritative parent?” (and not “authoritarian” as I had originally written – Thanks @markzero!)  I sure wasn’t when I was a kid. My parents were notorious for being much stricter with my sister and I then my friend’s parents, and I hated it. Some of my friends could be out to all hours, had outrageous amounts of things bought for them, and were basically answerable to no one.

But now with years of parenting under my belt, I’ve come to (grudgingly) admit how right my parents were. Because while they were strict, they were also fair, consistent, and reliably communicated expectations to me. Most of all, that structure gave me the freedom to get my own feet under me and later gave me the tools to stand on my own. Without the self-discipline they instilled in me, I don’t believe much of what I love about my life would have been possible. So my model with my own children has been a sort of benevolent co-dictator (with my wife of course). We don’t control every aspect of what our kids do, but what we do ask (and we still do ask politely — another lesson for the kids), we expect to basically be taken as an order. Orders can be questioned within reason and clarification and alternatives can always be suggested, but we expect our kids to do what we’ve required of them. This perhaps sounds tough to some, but the importance of the heading comes into play here — when you yield great power over someone, you have an equally great responsibility to exercise it well.

In a romantic relationship, it’s a slightly different perspective, but the same general concept. Any relationship like that should ideally be one of equals. The phrase “wearing the pants in the family” is one of my pet peeves and to me underlines much of what can go wrong in a relationship. Despite what you may have heard, in a healthy relationship there is not a “top” or “bottom” to use rather direct phrasing. Two much better phrases come to my mind when it comes to relationships:

From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. – Karl Marx

Be liberal in what you accept, and conservative in what you send. – Jon Postel (Postel’s Law)

The first is straight up Marxism, and a healthy relationship between two people is about the only place it can actually work The second is from Jon Postel, one of the founders of the Internet, talking about best common practice in network communication – but it applies remarkably well to many types of communication. To tie it in to what I was discussing earlier – ideally in a relationship, each of you finds that right balance between self-identity and serving the common purpose of the relationship — there’s no room for power plays or one seeking to push authority over the other. And that also applies to how you communicate – be liberal in what you accept (meaning you shouldn’t place limits on how you’re communicated with) and conservative in what you send (meaning think before you speak).

And that brings me to the end of what is likely an unnecessarily long piece — but these are just some of the things I’ve learned from being both a husband and father. As I said at the beginning, I don’t believe you have to be in a committed relationship or have kids to be a complete person, but I do know that for me, I didn’t become the person I wanted to be until I had. Many people probably learn this stuff in other ways or don’t learn it even after having been a spouse or parent, but I thank my wife and kids for teaching me.

This recipe had similar origins, but in this case, it was dissatisfaction with a product not a recipe – namely Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Wildly popular since I believe Ben & Jerry’s first introduced it some time in the ’80s, I’d always liked it, but it fell short in a couple areas. First, while it is tasty, its blobs of dough mixed in a vanilla base are like little oases of flavor in an otherwise unremarkable sea of vanilla-ness. Secondly, in the many imitators and commercial versions out there now, more often than not you get low-quality vanilla ice cream mixed with low-quality cookie “dough” (sarcastic air quotes most definitely called for). What to do?

And then it hit me. Why add dough to the ice cream when you could make the ice cream TASTE like the cookie? And not like cookie dough, but like an actual baked cookie! Because my daughter has an egg allergy, I decided to work off a Philadelphia-style ice cream recipe (made without eggs) and why look any further than Alton Brown’s “Serious Vanilla Ice Cream“? I sat down and compared the ingredient lists of that ice cream and my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe (to be published later!). I then did a little research. Then scribbled some notes. Then I did a lot of thinking – taste testing in my head as it were.

I wanted something that had the buttery richness of the chocolate chip cookie dough and the toffee notes from the brown sugar. I wanted something where the walnuts (a requirement of my cookie recipe, but pecans may be substituted if you absolutely must) had that oven-baked texture of a nut that hitched a ride on a cookie on a trip through an oven. I wanted big, assertive chocolate chunks – just like I use in my cookies (“chips” are for wusses. Chocolate chunks are definitely the way to go).

After all that, I sketched out how I thought the recipe should go and have made it a couple of times now with surprisingly few alterations. What I bring you now is the result of all this research and experimentation. I still consider this recipe a “draft” and I know there are probably better ways to do this, but figured I’d put it out in the world and hopefully inspire someone to improve upon it. If anyone tries this, please let me know how it turns out and if you have any suggestions!

Chocolate Chip Chunk Cookie Ice Cream (no dough!)

By Jason Byrne,
partially based on Alton Brown’s Serious Vanilla Ice Cream recipe

Prep Time: Ten hours
Cooking Time: Around an hour

Ingredients

• 2 Tbsp. Salted butter
• 2 Tbsp. sugar (white granulated or I often use a Turbinado sugar)

• 1 1/2 cup whole milk
• 1 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1/2 cup dark brown sugar
• 1/2 cup white granulated sugar
• 1/2 tsp. real vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp. cocoa powder

• 1 cup candied walnuts, broken or chopped into pieces (see recipe below)
• 1 cup chocolate chunks (I prefer Baker’s brand)

Combine candied walnuts and chocolate chunks in a small bowl and put in freezer.

In a sauté pan, heat 2 tablespoons of sugar on moderately high heat in a heavy-bottomed 2-quart or 3-quart saucepan. As the sugar begins to melt, stir vigorously. As soon as the sugar comes to a boil, stop stirring but keep moving around pan gently. As soon as all of the sugar has melted and turned dark amber in color, add 2 tablespoons of the salted butter to the pan. Whisk until the butter has melted and as much of the butter has become incorporated as possible. Now, because of the proportions, this will not come together like a regular caramel sauce and there may be little bits of melted better that refuse to mix in with the sugar. This is totally okay, as in addition to caramel notes, we’re also looking for the butter to brown a slight bit. Keep on low heat and while keeping it all in motion, add the milk and cream. If caramel bits are not melting, you can bump up the heat a little. Now add the dark brown and white granulated sugar, stirring until well combined. Add the vanilla extract and the cocoa powder.

Adjust heat to medium. Attach a frying or candy thermometer to inside of pan. (If you do not have a thermometer, bring the mixture just barely to a simmer. As soon as you see a bubble hit the surface, remove it from the heat. Do not let it boil) Stirring occasionally, bring the mixture to 170 degrees F. Remove from heat and allow to cool slightly. Pour mixture into lidded container and refrigerate mixture overnight to mellow flavors and texture.

Process mixture in ice cream freezer according to unit’s instructions. The mixture will not freeze hard in the machine. Once the volume has increased by 1/2 to 3/4 times, and reached a soft serve consistency, spoon the mixture back into a lidded container. Add frozen candied walnuts pieces and chocolate chunks to mix and quickly and thoroughly incorporate into the ice cream. The longer it takes, the worse it is for the ice cream. Once everything is incorporated, seal container and harden in the freezer at least 1 hour before serving.

The result?

Because this is a Philly-style ice cream rather than a French-style (made with egg yolks and first cooked as a custard), the ice cream itself is a little lighter tasting than some traditional ice creams, but with so many developed and complex flavors, it really hits your tastebuds. You could modify a French-style recipe and do this, but with all the other flavors going on, I think it might end up to be almost too rich tasting. What started out as necessity because of my daughter’s allergy ended up actually being my preference. I love serendipity in cooking!

Instead of whole chocolate chunks, you can go for smaller chips or chop up the chunks in a food processor a bit before mixing in. The candied walnuts bring additional “cookie” flavors as well as added texture.

While still undeniably ice cream, because of all those cooked butter and sugar flavor notes, you really do end up with something that tastes like a baked cookie. And not just in dribs and drabs, but with every spoonful.

As stated earlier, this is a draft recipe and probably will (and should) be revised a bit. But even in this fairly initial state, the resulting ice cream is one of my favorites.

Candied Walnuts

• 1/4 cup unsalted butter
• 1 cup walnut halves
• 1/4 cup packed brown sugar

Melt the butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the walnuts and cook, stirring, until golden brown and toasted, 3 minutes. Add the sugar and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Transfer to a piece of waxed paper to cool.