Dear Mr. Kubart,
I invite you to view the following:
[Please note if you are not Tim Kubart, this disclaimer applies to you.]
Thank you! Now to be clear, I am asking this of you with Jess’ full knowledge and understanding – acquired while she was sober — which despite what the contents of the video above might imply, we both actually are more often than not.
And yes, today is actually her birthday (she’s just a couple years younger than you are). I know you split your time between New York and Philadelphia, and Jess lives in Wisconsin, but those logistics can be, I am sure, worked out to arrange a date whenever your schedules might allow.
So why go to this extraordinary step? What could possibly inspire such extreme measures? Some time ago after seeing you perform in a Postmodern Jukebox video (we’re both huge fans), the topic of her going on a date with someone like you came up and we both agreed it seemed like it would make sense. So today for her birthday, and as my present to her, I put together this video and am attempting to reach out to see if such a thing might be possible.
Is this weird? Probably. But I promise this is a completely legit offer for one simple date between you and Jess, with the details to be worked out between the two of you if you are interested. And if you are interested, please look for me on Twitter @geekwithsoul (Jess is there too of course) and DM me and I’ll arrange a swap of email addresses and you and Jess can work out details.
Oh, and if you’re still unconvinced after that awesome video? I could point you at several blog posts that provide additional insight, but that would just embarrass her. So I guess that’s it then and we can all move on to something else…
…do you think she bought that? Hope so. Okay, so you can find out why she’s not Allie Brosh and the six reasons she’s not a relationship oracle. Or you could delve into her video game enjoyment which tends to manifest as some pretty funny posts about being a Nord in the game Skyrim, holiday hijinks in Skyrim, or her adventures playing Ecco the Dolphin: Defender of the Future. Or if all that sounds like too much work, just read her guide to effective procrastination.
Thank you for your time and I do hope to hear from you!
Jason – the best big brother ever.
Disclaimer for those who aren’t this Tim Kubart: Just to clear up any confusion, as this sort of thing has come up before, Jess is not currently looking to date anyone from the Internet or strangers in general. Certainly you are probably a fine person with many exceptional attributes, but trust me on this: she’s not interested, so don’t bother her. And if you do bother her, her big brother (a.k.a. me) will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. Got it? Good. Thank you.